Across the globe, millions of families are split between two houses due to a divorce or separation. While the parents stay grounded in their own houses, it is the children who must pack up and divide their lives between the two. This can be incredibly exhausting for a child at any age, from a preschooler who always seems to forget his favorite teddy bear at the mom’s house to the high schooler who doesn’t get why she can’t stay out as late when she’s at dad’s house.
When there isn’t a good level of symmetry between their two houses, the children tend to become confused and frustrated. In turn, this creates conflict not only between the two parents but also between parents and children. Giving your child a sense of stability and equilibrium between your two houses will play a significant role in easing their stress and reducing conflict between all family members. Doing so begins in one place: opening lines of communication between your two houses.
Maintaining communication between your two houses will greatly improve your odds of achieving the level of stability you want to give to your children. Discuss and set common ground rules that apply within each home such as how late the kids can stay out at night, how much television they can watch after school, or what kinds of snacks they are allowed to eat. When the lifestyle rules change drastically between the two houses, it’s easy for the children to get confused about what they can do where, or they may favor one house more than the other just because they can get away with more there. When there is a better balance of rules between the two houses, the children will lead a much more stable lifestyle. Communicate with your co-parent about what those rules should be, where the rules may differ, and what should be done if the rules are broken. Having similar discipline practices between homes will help the children better understand what to expect at home and not to favor one house over the other.
Communication doesn’t only include discussing house rules, but it also should include discussion about the items within the two houses. It’s hard for a child of any age to pack up everything they may want or need for a week at one home, then have to do it all over again the next week. Talk to your co-parent about how you can better equalize what the kids have between their two houses. Supply each house with adequate toiletries, school supplies, and clothes for the kids. If your children have favorite items that they can never live without, help your children pack and ensure that those items are always in their bags when they leave your house.
Finally, communication isn’t only essential between just the two parents, but between parents and children. Talk to your kids about what they need in order to create that symmetry and equilibrium between their two houses. Communicate about the custody schedule and when they will be staying at one house or the other, especially when it comes to the holidays. If kids know what to expect and are not having surprise custody exchanges popping up all the time, they will feel more settled and secure.
Communicating between two houses about all of these things might not be so easily done by phone or email, especially when conflict is a constant problem between co-parents. Seek counsel from a family law professional who is trained to help mediate communication and decisions made between co-parents. Also, consider using an online application that is more tuned to aiding the communication needs of families split between two houses
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